Love Comes Blindly (book 5) (The Fielding Brothers Saga) Read online

  “Madeline,” he called out and threw his arms around her in a big bear hug.

  She laughed and returned the gesture. “It’s so good to see you.” She glanced at his daughters. “Good afternoon, Jennifer, Louise.”

  They greeted her with wide smiles.

  Maddie pulled away from the burly man and folded her arms. “Tell me, Mr. McClain, are you taking care of that leg like the doctor instructed?”

  “Yes. My darling daughters won’t let me do any hard labor until I’m fully healed.”

  “Good. I’m pleased to know you’re being well taken care of.”

  “Very well, indeed. I have actually acquired a few more horses, and I’m looking for help. You wouldn’t know of anyone, would you?”

  Gregg’s name came to mind, but that wasn’t something he would do. He probably wanted to return to England to get back to his life at the newspaper. “No, I fear I haven’t met anyone lately who might have those kinds of skills.”

  “Well, I suppose the only thing left to do is spend my money here.”

  “Excellent idea, Mr. McClain. The children will be eternally grateful for a new school.”

  Mr. McClain’s gaze wandered over her shoulder, so she turned to see where he was looking. Gregg was right beside her. His nearness made her jump.

  “Good afternoon, Miss Madeline.” He grinned wide.

  “Greetings, Mr. Fielding. I’m pleased to see you out and about.”

  Mr. McClain put forth his hand in greeting. “Tom McClain here.” He shook Gregg’s hand.

  “I’m Gregg Fielding.”

  “Forgive me for prying, but are you one of the men injured in that cannon explosion?”

  “Indeed, I am.” He nudged Madeline’s elbow. “But thanks to this sweet woman, I’m doing much better. She nursed me back to health.”

  Heat crept up Madeline’s cheeks from his compliment. Did he mean what he said? Or was this talk all for show? She knew how well Gregg could charm anyone.

  “Our little Madeline is a gift from God.” McClain cupped her chin and winked.

  “Oh, enough you two.” She shooed them with her hands. “You talk as if I’m not standing right here listening.”

  Gregg chuckled and then smiled at Tom’s daughters. “And who might these lovely ladies be?” He took Jennifer’s hand and placed a kiss upon her knuckles.

  Madeline clenched her teeth. Why jealousy would sneak upon her now, she didn’t know, but she wished it to leave posthaste.

  The young woman curtsied. “I’m Jennifer.” She nodded to the girl beside her. “And this is my younger sister, Louise.”

  Gregg placed a customary kiss on Louise’s knuckles, making the girl turn red. “It’s a pleasure, Miss Louise.” She curtsied, too.

  Tom patted Gregg on the shoulder. “Fielding, if you are up to it this fine day, would you like to join us as we wander the bazaar, looking for places to spend my money?”

  Gregg grinned. “I would love to.” He turned to Madeline and winked. “Have a pleasant afternoon. I shall talk to you later.”

  Her heart dropped as sadness overwhelmed her. It had been a long time since she wished for a different life. Glancing down at her drab gray dress with its white collar and cuffs, she smoothed out the few wrinkles against her middle. She used to wear colorful gowns of silks and satins, always having the newest styles in London. Now she longed to be that carefree girl and socialize the way she used to. Then again, she’d flirted too much three years ago, and had used her knowledge of passion the wrong way.

  Now things would be different, though. She wasn’t young and naïve. She’d experienced the cruel lessons of life and love. Yet she still dreamed of wearing fancy gowns and attending social events. She longed to feel like a woman...to feel alive. She especially wanted to walk by Gregg’s side, feeling like the most fortunate woman around.

  Gregg must have brought back these feelings. Either that or she’d hidden them really well until his arrival in Scotland.

  A tear slid down her cheek before she realized she’d been crying. Quickly, she wiped away the proof of her unhappiness and returned to helping the nuns.

  Nightfall came quickly. As each hour passed, she became wearier, both mentally and physically. The more she watched Gregg enjoying himself with Tom’s daughters, the more she wanted to join them...and the more jealous she became. It had been many years since Madeline had experienced this uneasy feeling, and disappointment washed over her to think it had returned. Three years ago whenever she became jealous, revenge had been on the top of her list to accomplish. Now that emotion was not part of who she was today.

  Gregg’s laughter was infectious, and she smiled. Yet it didn’t help her sour mood since she wasn’t the one making him this way. Why couldn’t he forgive her and want to be around her? Then again, she’d hurt him terribly. Perhaps her sin had been unforgivable.

  A musical group had formed and began playing. Those who remained danced, enjoying themselves even more. So far they’d raised enough money to build the school, so the rest of the evening was all about rejoicing in the event and being with great company.

  Gregg danced with one of Tom’s daughters again. Three years ago he’d been the best looking man in London, although at the time Madeline had convinced herself it was her brother-in-law. But Gregg certainly knew how to dance. She’d enjoyed herself in his arms back then. He’d even mentioned a few times how perfect they were together. Whether he was flirting or not, the truth was they had so much in common.

  Every time he had charmed her, her heart fluttered. Even their arguments were heated. Many times she was tempted to kiss him, but then she’d remember she had been after her brother-in-law, and so tried to put Gregg out of her mind. It never did work the way she’d wanted because he always invaded her thoughts.

  Madeline shook away the memories and helped clean what she could. Once most of the bazaar had been cleaned up, she relaxed under a tree, leaning her shoulder against the trunk as she watched the dancers, now fewer in number. Gregg wasn’t with them this time.

  She sighed heavily, wondering what she was going to do about him. She couldn’t force him to forgive her. Unfortunately, she couldn’t force him to love her, either.

  Was that what she really wanted? Love?

  The leaves rustled near her and a large presence stepped beside her. “I believe your thoughts have taken you away from here.”

  She looked up to see Gregg grinning down at her. “Good evening,” she said softly. “Did you have a good time today?”

  “Indeed, I did.”

  “Are you ready to retire for the night?”

  “No. I noticed you standing over here all by yourself and thought you would enjoy some company.”

  She smiled. “Why would you leave several beautiful women to come stand by me?”

  “I happen to think you’re just as beautiful, Maddie. Your appearance has only improved over time.” He stroked his fingers along her hair to the tight bun at the back of her head. “Thank heavens you are not dressed the same, though.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because the other ladies would be in your shadow, my lovely. You were always catching the attention of all the men wherever you went.”

  She shook her head. “That was three years ago. A lot has changed. I have changed.”

  He stroked her cheek. “I watched you this evening, and I could tell how badly you wanted to dance. That hasn’t changed, Maddie.”

  “Perhaps there was a moment tonight when I thought about the past, and yes, I wanted to dance. But that will never happen again.”

  “Why?”

  She sighed heavily. “Gregg, dancing is to socialize. Why should I do that when I will never find a decent match? What kind of man is going to want to marry me and take me to social functions like this where I can wear lovely gowns?”

  “These people here have accepted you, and it’s obvious how much they care. I’m inclined to believe they won’t care how lowly you dress.”

/>   “True, but Gregg,” she whispered as she placed her hand on his chest. “They don’t know about my past. They don’t know about Vivian, and they never will.” She turned and walked away from him, going deeper into the shadows of the tress, closer to the Abbey’s gardens. From the soft footsteps behind her, she knew he followed. “The life I dreamed of will never become a reality. As much as I want to marry and have children, I don’t see that happening.”

  “So, are you going to live at the Abbey forever?”

  She glanced at him and chuckled. “There’s a life here I could be satisfied with. But ever since you came back into my life, I have been doubting a lot of things.”

  He grabbed hold of her shoulders. “Tell me, please?”

  She really didn’t want to. She didn’t want to let him hear her insecurities, her hopes or her dreams. But she also didn’t want him to leave, and if confessing would make him stay, she’d do it.

  Chapter Eight

  Nodding, Madeline took a deep breath for courage to tell him what’s in her heart. “Gregg, against my will, I find myself lonelier than I have ever felt before. Tonight I dreamed of wearing fancy gowns, styling my hair in the latest fashions, and gaily dancing the night away. But most of all I miss...” She trailed off, hesitating.

  “What?” he urged, moving closer until his body touched hers.

  Madeline’s heart raced, and she cursed her weakness. She wanted him and no other. But her past mistakes told her she’d never have him.

  She swallowed hard. “I miss being held and comforted…by a man.”

  A smile widened his mouth. “Why do you suppose you feel this way?”

  Shrugging, she toyed with a leaf on the over-hanging tree limbs. “I believe I feel this way because you are back in my life, bringing back all those memories I had and wanted to forget.”

  “Do you want to return to the girl who I knew three years ago?”

  “Of course not, but returning to that kind of life…well, that’s a different matter.” She stepped away from the leaf, wrapped her arms around her middle and swayed to the music playing in the distance. “I cannot help wanting to be amongst my friends, laughing and enjoying myself. I miss dancing all night long with gentlemen who are eager to make my acquaintance.”

  Gregg ran his hands down each arm, cupping her elbows. Slowly, he bent his head closer until his lips hovered above hers. “Do you want to dance with just any man, my lovely?”

  “No.”

  “Whom then?”

  For a moment she thought he would kiss her, but as she readied herself to make the first move to kiss him, his arms shifted and he held her in dance position. Slowly, he moved her in the rhythm of the waltz playing.

  “Whom, my lovely? What man do you miss dancing with?”

  Their eyes held and breaths mingled in the heart-hammering moment. How she wanted more than anything to confess her love, but until he forgave her and she gained his trust, making such a confession would only push him away.

  “What makes you think I miss one man in particular?”

  “Because there is a gleam in your lovely eyes that tells me this. You forget how well I can read you.” He tightened his arm around her waist, bringing her closer.

  “How can I forget? That was one of the things I remember most about you…how well we could relate to each other.”

  “So then tell me what I want to know. Tell me, who is the man you have missed the most?”

  She hesitated to confess. Three years ago he’d believed she loved Andrew. In Gregg’s eyes, she saw uncertainty. Could he be wondering if she still thought of Andrew?

  “You, Gregg,” she said. “In all these years apart, you are the one who has been occupying my thoughts.”

  He arched an eyebrow. “Are you certain? Because the last I had heard, you were infatuated with your brother-in-law.”

  “I was young and foolish back then. I had wanted to believe Andrew held my heart, but after meeting you, there were times I realized Andrew was not the man on my mind.”

  Their dancing slowed considerably, but he still held her in the dance position.

  “When was this?”

  “When I still lived in England…before you had ended our betrothal.”

  Within seconds, a happy and relaxed expression graced his handsome face. “You don’t say.” He grinned. “Your actions certainly spoke different volumes, my lovely.”

  “I realize this, but as I said before—I was young and didn’t know my own mind. Or heart. It wasn’t until after I left England when I understood the turmoil I had caused not only to myself, but to those around me. Especially you.” She pulled her hand out of his grasp and lifted it to caress his cheek. “That is the reason I have so many confusing feelings running through me right now. It’s because I’m with you once again. Gregg, out of all the people I hurt, you are the one I want to make amends with. You and only you.”

  Before he could respond, she leaned forward and pressed her mouth against his. Immediately, he took her in his strong embrace, holding her tightly against him. His responding kiss was so tender, so sweet, tears sprang to her eyes. Dare she hope he had the same feelings? Dare she hope he still loved her as he did when he thought she was Sister Mary?

  As she wrapped her arms around his neck, his hands drew circles on her back. His mouth slanted over hers, deepening the kiss. She sighed happily.

  “Oh, Maddie,” he mumbled into her mouth. “Why are you doing this to me?”

  “What am I doing?”

  He broke the kiss and gazed into her eyes. “You are confusing me greatly.”

  She chuckled. “Now you know how I feel.”

  He kissed her again, but more gentle this time. More meaningful. Hope blossomed into her chest, yet she dared not believe he held the same feelings she had.

  Stopping the kiss again, he rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “Since the very first time we made love three years ago, I have always thought about how much passion you hold. Even when I hated you, I still couldn’t stop remembering what you had felt like in my arms. But—” he moved his mouth to her neck and trailed kisses down her throat, “—it’s all about lust, Maddie. I still want you, but it’s just lust. I haven’t forgiven you for lying to me, but every time I’m near you, I want to kiss you and hold you close.”

  Tears welled in her eyes, her heart shattering once again. She pushed her hands against his chest and stepped back. “What are you saying, Gregg?”

  “I’m saying I want to be with you in a personal way.”

  She shook her head. “You are saying that although you want to be intimate with me, you cannot trust me or forgive me for lying to you?” She swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. “I refuse to be any man’s mistress, Gregg.”

  His eyes widened. “Do you expect me to marry you?”

  Her heart twisted in agony. Yes, she wanted that, but knew it was not possible. “As I mentioned before, I shall never make a good match, but that doesn’t mean I will become some man’s mistress.” She shook her head and stepped back farther. “I’m sorry, Gregg. No matter how impossible it seems, I want a husband someday, and children, which is why I refuse to live the life of a mistress.”

  Emotion choked her throat, and she turned and ran through the gardens into the Abbey, straight to her room. Once inside, she threw herself on the bed and cried.

  * * * *

  Gregg awoke after having another dream about Maddie. Confusion filled him more than anger now. Although he didn’t think he could trust her again, at least he didn’t hate her for what she’d done three years ago. Shaking his muddled head, he quickly dressed for the day, just so he would think of something else.

  It didn’t work.

  Maddie was more beautiful now than she’d been before. Yesterday as he’d watched her interact with the other nuns and the people from the village, she was more caring than he’d remembered. He’d spent the past few days watching her from the window as she toiled in the garden. He couldn’t
believe the transformation she’d gone through.

  Could she possibly be a different woman as she had proclaimed?

  Not too long after Maddie’s family had disowned her, Gregg had heard from her sister that Maddie indeed confessed to only bedding with one man. Him. She’d lied to her sister about sleeping with her brother-in-law to cause problems. Maddie was certainly a little shrew back then.

  But now...

  Now she actually thought of others first. Now she didn’t have a motive behind every nice deed she did. If she was working in the garden all day and someone from the village asked for help, Maddie would give it without question. From what he’d observed, she had genuinely started a new life and wasn’t anything like the old Maddie O’Neil.

  And what about her daughter, Vivian?

  When he’d first noticed the headstone and saw his name carved on the stone, anger had rushed through him. She’d even given the child his mother’s name, Caroline.

  Was it true? Had he been a father?

  He growled and scratched his unshaven chin as he stormed out of the Abbey into the flower garden. It had crushed him three years ago to think Madeline didn’t want him but another man instead. He had a reputation to uphold, and when he couldn’t keep her interest, he moved on, even though he still thought about her from time to time.

  They’d had a magical night at her sister’s birthday ball—one he’d never forget. Although he wasn’t thrilled about being forced to do the right thing and offer her marriage, he still convinced himself she’d eventually come to love him. They were too much alike, which was surprising, but it also endeared her to him. But when he’d heard she had slept with Andrew, Gregg rebelled and created scandal after scandal just to get her out of his mind.

  A year and a half ago he finally settled down and bought the newspaper. He’d found something to hold his interest after all this time.

  Gregg sat on the stone bench and closed his eyes. Letting his head tilt back, he drank in the bright sunshine. Images of Maddie while he kissed her last night—and all the other times—entered his mind. She was so passionate, more so now than she’d ever been.